I had spent so many years trying to always do and say the right thing.
Be there for everyone and be the one everybody knew they could depend on.
I just tried to always make everyone happy, even if it meant I was unhappy at the same time.
They’d tell me what I was doing wrong or let me know how I could do better…truth is, I was always doing the best I could.
I couldn’t tell you now if it was for approval or acceptance or just because I wanted to see people happy, I really don’t know why I was that way for so many years.
I lifted everyone up so often and so much that it started really dragging me down.
I realized along the way that it’s hard to be a light for others if you don’t feed your own light what you need.
Walking on eggshells around everyone else never left me fulfilled or made me happy…in fact, it made me miserable most of the time.
I can’t tell you what happened or why, but one day, the dam broke and tears stained my face with the misery I was causing myself by pretending…pretending to be happy, to ignore my needs and most of all, not being myself.
I knew that if I didn’t change myself, my life, my people, that I would end up broken, alone and depressed.
I’m not going out like that.
No, that day, I stopped walking on eggshells and started throwing them down all around me, I crushed those eggshells and for the first time in my life, I stopped tiptoeing through them and started stomping them with everything I could muster.
No more fake, no more pretending, no more making everyone else happy instead of myself.
I can make people happy and be happy myself if those are truly my people.
Those eggshells cut me with every step I took, but I couldn’t help but throw my head back, stretch out my arms and laugh.
For the first time as far back as I could remember, I was truly alive. I felt the rain on my face, the wind in my hair and the soothing happiness deeply in my soul.
I had gone so long being numb to what matters to me that I had stopped feeling, and that’s a horrible place to be.
So, I’m going to keep lifting others up and spreading light, because that’s who I am and what makes me happy, but I’m not snuffing out my own candle to light the fire for others anymore.
I can burn brightly for myself and help others too…I know that now.
I’m spreading these wings that I’ve neglected for so long and I’m finding the things that make my soul smile.
Yes, sometimes, there’s pain in feeling deeply, in being fully alive, but there’s also great joy, happiness and exhilaration in the emotions.
Finally, for the first time, I’m not dying inside…I’m alive, I’m free and most of all, I’m truly happy where it matters…in my heart and soul.