No one is perfect, we all have a past. Some that are good, some not so good. Most people change for the better, and some not at all. But I had to go thru so many twists and turns, ups and downs and obstacles to make it where I am today. My biggest challenge was fighting off my demons. I battled addiction for 36 years and decided to make the biggest change in my life and cleaned up my act on my own and been clean since July 5, 2011. I've overcome mental, physical, drug and sexual abuse...But there are battles I’m never going to win such as my mental health disorders. Like my mother said, “Just believe in yourself, and remember anything is possible.” First I started writing a journal then got into blogging about my journey to share it with the world because I am no longer ashamed of where I came from. And neither should you. My purpose is to inspire others and to let you know you are not alone. I hope y'all like my page and find it inspirational or beneficial. Thank you. #Strong #Positive #MindOverMatter #SobrietyRocks #Survivor
You can’t pour from a glass that is empty and that’s why self love is so important.
If the saying is true, that we get what we give and self love isn’t in your cup. Then the love and a relationship you desire and hope for, you’ll never get. Because you’re trying to pour from that empty glass, that isn’t full of love to even give away.
If self love were like a currency exchange for something or someone’s time, you wouldn’t just give what you have to offer away for free. So why do so many people give their hearts away so easily like it isn’t as valuable as it actually is? You should protect it like the prized possession it is.
The love you have to offer someone is of value but it is only of value if you realize yourself what that cost is. It’s being able to look at a person or a situation and say “this is where someone has to meet me to be deserving of what I have to give.” If someone can’t get there or “afford it,” it isn’t your job to convince someone or persuade them that what you have to offer is of value. It is already is. It already has a cost. And you shouldn’t lower it or change it or alter it.
Self respect is walking away, if someone can’t meet you at the expectations and standards you set.
Because you only get something real and right when someone has to invest in something of theirs to earn it. And nothing in life is free and that includes love which isn’t cheap. But you’ll only have that love to give and get it reciprocated, if YOUR cup is already full of the right things.
She isn’t strong because that’s what she wanted to be…She didn’t choose her story, in fact, it chose her.
She holds herself together with beautiful composure and magnificent courage, for as the world thinks she has it all under control, she’s almost dying inside at every turn.
But that’s what separates her from the rest, you’ll never see her break down, lose her cool or fall apart.
The facade she has mastered is evident to everyone she meets, yet the woman who cries herself to sleep, if she can sleep at all, is a person that they would never believe exists.
To all that know her, she’s a beacon of glowing hope and strength, for her extraordinary courage in ordinary situations isn’t because she’s being heroic, well, not in the ways that anyone would think, it’s just who she is.
If people knew the struggles she has overcome, the pain she has endured and the mountains she’s climbed, they would be amazed.
The woman that falls apart behind closed doors is the same smiling face that greets the world every morning.
She hurts in ways most will never understand and braves the pain with a resolve that would bring most men to their knees, but that’s just who she is and how she lives.
She wasn’t given any other choice, so she does what she has to do to keep moving forward with a pep in her step and a light in her heart. Pain has almost wrecked her more times than she knows and still, she carries on.
She feels every broken heart and every harsh word.
The difference between her and the rest? She doesn’t let the pain break her.
She’s so many things – warrior, survivor and dreamer, but she’s so much more than that.
That’s who she is and what she will always be: A strong woman…Amazing, resilient and free.
When all she wants to do is fall apart, she unfurls her wings and flies higher.
Once, I would have clung to your every word and wanted nothing more than to be close to you.
Now, times have changed and the pain I once felt as you walked away from me is gone.
The stinging hurt has been replaced by something very different…numbness.
I wish things had gone differently between us, but I’ve since realized that things happen the way they are meant to. We were never going to be forever, and as hard as that was, making peace with that helped me see why I needed to focus on myself.
The pain of your loss felt so heavy that I was overwhelmed with the hurt that permeated my entire being.
Now, you’re a memory that elicits mixed feelings of regret and relief.
So, as I see your words pop up on my phone, I’m startled for a moment, seeing a blast from the past.
A myriad of emotions wash over me as the memories come flooding back, but the pain that once would have made me cry just doesn’t come, I’m where I always needed to be.
I’m over you.
It’s been a hard road and a lot of sleepless nights and crying uncontrollably, but I made it through the darkness to find myself once again.
I’ll never forget what we once had and the love we shared, but that all seems like a lifetime ago…a faded memory of another me.
I’m stronger because of you, and I have to thank you for who you forced me to become: I’m better, wiser and I love myself more than I ever did.
So, I smile wistfully as I see your words…How am I doing? Oh, my dear, I’m doing great. As I click “delete”, I beam with satisfaction. I’m awesome, and that’s all you’ll ever need to know.
You missed your chance with me, and I’m not looking back. My future is too bright to wait around for someone who didn’t understand just how amazing I am.
That’s okay! I know I’m amazing and in the end, that’s what really matters most.
Yes, I went down the wrong roads and made all the bad choices, I ended up in places I never should have been, in ways that tore my spirit apart.
Truth be told, I don’t know how I got so down and out, nor how I made it out intact and still whole.
At the end of my rope and hating who I’d become, I hit rock bottom.
Everyone counted me out and no one gave me a chance, even I didn’t know how to dig myself out of the hole. But you know, that’s the thing about a spirit that won’t give up.
I don’t know how to quit and I’m meant to become more in spite of my rough start.
It was never meant to be the end of my story, I just had to begin a new chapter…one where the Phoenix rises from the ashes.
I pulled myself up, dusted myself off then fought and clawed my way back.
I didn’t ask for help and no one offered me a hand, but that was what I needed to forge my own courage and build my own strength.
My dreams didn’t have an expiration and I wasn’t going to quit on them or myself.
I know I’m a mess sometimes, a bit of a broken soul with glimpses of beauty stashed in between, but I’m good with that.
I made my way, earned my place and I’m fighting to make my story a success.
I’ve got a lot of love to give and a passionate fire that can’t be quenched.
Sometimes, you realize along the way that you don’t set out to be strong and courageous, but when you’re left holding the pieces of a life gone wrong, those are the only choices you have left.
It’s not that I’ll ever be heroic, strong and amazing like the fabled stories of heroes and lovers, but at least I’ll write my story my way, and that’s what matters most of all.
I don’t have to set the world on fire, just be on fire for my life, the kind of flames that make your heart and soul feel totally alive.
I may be beautifully broken and wonderfully imperfect, but I’m still standing. I’m still strong.
I figured where I needed to go and what it would take to get there, so I made a choice: I didn’t ever go looking for a hero…I decided instead to become the hero of my own story…One small victory at a time, my way.
It was those times in my life when I had hit rock bottom that I discovered meant more than all the days of easy living and happy memories.
The times when I was falling apart, shredded by the very life that I had hoped would make me happy, that was when I truly found myself.
But it’s never really about what we want or where we want to go, but where we end up and the things we learn along the way if we’re paying attention.
Once I stopped burying myself in what was happening and started trying to understand why, that’s when I started to unravel the journey of my life.
I won’t tell you those times weren’t hard, because they felt like I was dying every step of the way.
They hurt worse than anything I’ve ever known, but they were necessary for my growth and evolution.
Instead of sitting back and staring at my emotional wreckage, I picked it up and did what I had never done before.
I started putting it back together and learning.
I reforged the pieces of my world out of the ashes of a broken person, each part fitting together a little better than it used to.
Those times at rock bottom, the days when I thought I couldn’t go on, those became my defining moments in a way all the success never could have.
I learned who I was and the depths of my strength and soul as I climbed out of the darkened of angst and anguish.
No matter how badly I had felt about myself, I started to see the light when I began to truly understand who I was and where I had been.
Now, when someone asks me if I could change anything about where I’ve been or what I’ve been through, all I can do is smile and say no. Because without that struggle, without those failures, I would never have been forced to become the person I’m meant to be.
I’m not there yet, for I have much still to do, see and experience, but I’m on my way, and truthfully, I may never stop evolving and growing, for that is part of my truth and my journey.
The difference is now, when I look back over the footprints I’ve left behind on the sands of life, I don’t cry with regret and sadness.
I smile with pride because I can see what I’ve overcome and know what I’ve been through.
Each footprint has left a mark on my heart and every step has grown my soul, and I can say with courage…”I overcame that.”
I had spent so many years trying to always do and say the right thing.
Be there for everyone and be the one everybody knew they could depend on.
I just tried to always make everyone happy, even if it meant I was unhappy at the same time.
They’d tell me what I was doing wrong or let me know how I could do better…truth is, I was always doing the best I could.
I couldn’t tell you now if it was for approval or acceptance or just because I wanted to see people happy, I really don’t know why I was that way for so many years.
I lifted everyone up so often and so much that it started really dragging me down.
I realized along the way that it’s hard to be a light for others if you don’t feed your own light what you need.
Walking on eggshells around everyone else never left me fulfilled or made me happy…in fact, it made me miserable most of the time.
I can’t tell you what happened or why, but one day, the dam broke and tears stained my face with the misery I was causing myself by pretending…pretending to be happy, to ignore my needs and most of all, not being myself.
I knew that if I didn’t change myself, my life, my people, that I would end up broken, alone and depressed.
I’m not going out like that.
No, that day, I stopped walking on eggshells and started throwing them down all around me, I crushed those eggshells and for the first time in my life, I stopped tiptoeing through them and started stomping them with everything I could muster.
No more fake, no more pretending, no more making everyone else happy instead of myself. I can make people happy and be happy myself if those are truly my people.
Those eggshells cut me with every step I took, but I couldn’t help but throw my head back, stretch out my arms and laugh.
For the first time as far back as I could remember, I was truly alive. I felt the rain on my face, the wind in my hair and the soothing happiness deeply in my soul.
I had gone so long being numb to what matters to me that I had stopped feeling, and that’s a horrible place to be.
So, I’m going to keep lifting others up and spreading light, because that’s who I am and what makes me happy, but I’m not snuffing out my own candle to light the fire for others anymore.
I can burn brightly for myself and help others too…I know that now.
I’m spreading these wings that I’ve neglected for so long and I’m finding the things that make my soul smile.
Yes, sometimes, there’s pain in feeling deeply, in being fully alive, but there’s also great joy, happiness and exhilaration in the emotions.
Finally, for the first time, I’m not dying inside…I’m alive, I’m free and most of all, I’m truly happy where it matters…in my heart and soul.
I get that maybe some people don’t always care for my bold opinions and outspoken personality.
It’s okay. I didn’t sign up to impress anyone or ask for the approval of who I am or how I choose to live my life.
Maybe my blunt honesty and sometimes sarcastic sense of humor may offend people too, but that’s just part of my personality…I like to see the brighter side of things, and I often do that with an edgy sense of humor.
I’ll just have to live with the idea that some people don’t want to hear the truth and prefer to surround themselves with fake kindness and sugarcoated nonsense, and that’s their right and I respect that, even if I don’t agree with their outlook.
If that’s what makes me happy and helps them get through their days, then that’s all that matters.
I’m going to keep doing what I do and enjoying my life…honest, blunt and sometimes hilariously outrageous.
That’s just me.
But don’t think for a second I’ll be hanging around the people pretending to be happy doing things for all the wrong reasons in ways that aren’t real.
Give me the genuine, gritty souls that are brave enough to stand in their own light and forge their individual paths.
The beautiful spirits that seek happiness, help others and do the right thing, even if no one is watching.
The people that just love their best and deepest, always leaving people and places better than they found them.
That’s my tribe of hardy and amazing folks that I’m standing beside, not the crowd off chasing ridiculous ideas or terrible reasons and never really being happy.
There’s a lot of beauty in this life and so many reasons to be happy, be true to myself and be real, and I’m going to find as much of it as I can.
So, if you want to find me, look often the beaten path, away from the crowds with the people that don’t always fit in.
You’ll always catch me doing the things that make me happy…road trips, just because.
Spontaneous dance parties in the kitchen. Having a midnight conversation about life’s wonder and depth.
In my world, the only rule is to love my life, appreciate the moments and cherish the journey because one day, we’ll all run out of time.
Might as well make the most of the chances and time we’re given…starting with love, starting with today.
She’s been down all the wrong roads, asked all the wrong people to love her and trusted the wrong partners with her heart.
The price she paid was more than simple heartbreak sometimes, it was more often became the deepest cracks in her soul that she carried with her.
Over time, she learned how to turn the pain into power and let go of the people in her life that tried to devalue her and make her doubt her worth.
You see, that woman with a gentle smile and brave heart has endured more anguish than most of us will ever know, yet, she still keeps going, keeps loving and keeps giving of herself when most would have stopped.
She hasn’t let poor choices and bad people change who she is except to make her stronger, wiser.
She’s no fool but she’s never going to let the pain make her stop loving with every bit of her heart either.
During the darkest times, in her lowest hours, she clawed her way out of the deepest places and fought for the light that she so desperately deserved.
That’s when she forged her iron clad spirit through the flames of struggle and decided to never again let anyone else determine who she was or what she was worth.
That truth, the one she clung to hardest when life went wrong, that’s what brought her through and always fueled her rise from the ashes.
She’s more than just a woman with a heart of gold and a spirit of fire, she’s a warrior determined never to stay down or become bitter about love.
So, no matter the storms that life brought crashing down all around her or the fire that threatened to engulf her life in flames, she always managed to find her way, keep going and stay optimistic, even when things went terribly wrong.
She wasn’t beautiful like you or me, she was gorgeous in the way that the deepest souls shine the brightest because once you got the smallest glimpse of her wondrous depths, you’d never be the same, but then, when you meet a creature like her, why would you ever want to forget a moment in time like that?
With a twinkle in her eye and a smile in her heart, she’d captivate anyone because she knew her worth…always.
I know you’ve had a tough time lately, but you made it through.
You’re still standing, still smiling and still going. I realize that so many times you didn’t think you’d make it, you’ve felt lost and alone…didn’t know where you’d find your strength.
This is the week where things start to change.
Stop worrying about what you can’t control, what’s already happened and the people that let you down.
The sooner you let go of that pain and angst, the better your life will be, or at least it’s a start.
I’m not going to tell you some fantasy about how magically your life will change and that your wishes will all come true, but I will tell you that you hold the power to start seeing the good in things and people.
To start remembering who you are and what you can do.
To start having hope, dreams and passion in your life again.
It’s so easy to get lost in the day to day of surviving and getting pulled under by life.
But you’re better than that.
You don’t have to have all the answers, know the right path or even see where you’re headed.
You just have to start.
Take a step, make some plans, start to believe in yourself, whatever it takes.
You’ve been saying “what if” and “I wish” for too long.
This is your time and your choice.
Close the chapters to what has been and start anew with fresh feelings, optimism and hope.
But it all comes down to you.
Take charge of your happiness.
No one else will ever be able to make you happy like you can.
Start listening to your heart, let your soul find peace and remember those dreams that you buried so long ago.
Take one step after another, little victories, small changes and a happier heart.
You can do this.
May your week be filled with the beautiful moments of life, the feelings that spark your spirit and the love that will change your life.
This is your time.
Stand up, find yourself and your voice and forge a new direction.
I can’t go there for you, but I can tell you that you’re capable of more and deserve better.
In the end, it’s all up to you what you make of your life.
So, start now and begin to make it amazing, every day, in every way just try to make it a little more beautiful.
You’ll be glad you did.
I’ll see you on the other side, everything you’ve ever wanted has always been waiting on you.
Go find it…one breath, one moment, one day at a time.
It’s those times at night when I’m lying in bed lost in thought that are the hardest.
My mind has countless thoughts of what has been, what will be and even what could be, and it’s almost overwhelming at times.
I wish I didn’t turn over the endless possibilities and think about the past until it hurt, but that’s just how my mind works.
I’ve been hurt so many times it almost feels normal now and I’ve been broken apart so often, I just want to forget how broken I am.
I try to embrace my flaws, mistakes and pain to become better, but it’s just so hard to overcome the feelings that want so hard to bring me down.
All the emotions, thoughts and pain blends together and I’m stuck so often between wanting to come apart completely and trying to forget the people and hurt that brought me to this place.
I fight to focus on evolving from the lessons of my past, but sometimes, I get stuck and can’t move forward…I’m just mired in the darkness of the pain.
In the silence of the night, when the quiet can be deafening, that’s when it’s the hardest, when I’m alone with my thoughts and I have nothing to keep me from the darkness other than sleep, which can be so fleeting at times.
It’s so hard to forget, to let go and to move on, but I’m trying.
I know that I have to make peace with my pain and confront my demons in order to make my angels sing, and I know that won’t be easy or fast, but I’m determined to rise out of the angst and find my way back to the light.
So, yeah, maybe I’m broken, but I’m not too shattered to start again and put my pieces back together in a better way.
I’m beautiful in the way my broken fragments of my heart and soul come together now, and I’ll keep rising until I’m able to feel the joy again.
Broken doesn’t mean lost, it means starting again, and that’s just what I’m doing.
It may not be tomorrow, next week or next month, but I’ll get there…one way or another.
I’m grabbing my happiness and I’m not letting go. Broken, beautiful and just doing my best every day…that’s me.
No matter how I get knocked down or stuck again…I got this.
All my life, I thought I needed a love interest, relationship or partner to be happy, I did whatever I could to avoid being single.
That meant I took a lot of bad turns, made a lot of wrong choices and tried to love a lot of wrong people.
I couldn’t understand what was wrong. Every time, I ended up with hurt feelings and a broken heart.
Truth is, I’d never really tried to be on my own, the thought alone scared me to death.
I was so accustomed to being in a relationship because that’s how I identified myself, I thought that’s what I needed to be happy.
Until one day, after the umpteenth failed love, crying endless tears and being tired of the same broken ending to my love story, I made a choice.
I won’t say that I wasn’t scared, worried and nervous about trying to actually figure out who I was, because I was all of those things, and it was terrifying being alone trying to figure it all out.
I didn’t know where to start,where to go or what to do, I just knew I couldn’t keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.
All the decisions to try to turn frogs into fairytales had left my heart in pieces and my soul empty.
Forget chasing love and trying to get someone to love me, that never worked out for me the way I wanted.
I didn’t even know myself any more, because I could always submerge myself into my relationship and never have to face those truths. I had to take back my magic, find my voice and rediscover the person I had lost along the way.
I was at that place where I felt like I was staring over the edge of the abyss without knowing what lie before me.
But I pushed forward in spite of my insecurities and fears, and I found with each baby step, I felt a little freer and a bit lighter.
The more I found out about myself, the more I started to love.
Focusing on myself led me down a road that was strangely familiar and weirdly exciting as I began to uncover parts that had laid dormant for a long time…actually, forever.
Every day was still scary, but the more I kept going, the less frightening each choice, decision and day became, and with each step, I became stronger, wiser and more secure with myself.
Sure, there’s still things I want to change about myself when I look in the mirror and there will always be parts of myself I want to improve.
The difference is, now I’m doing for me, living for the things that make my heart smile. Because of me, for me, by me.
Maybe I don’t have it figured out, but that’s the beauty of it all…I don’t have to.
She made the choice a long time ago to never surrender to the problems and challenges that tried to bring her down.
She never set out to become strong, tough or brave, her story never gave her another option.
She’s always done whatever it takes to make it where she’s trying to go, but she’s never sold her soul or sacrificed her values to reach her goals.
She’s not perfect, and she gave up trying to be a long time ago.
She’s made her fair shares of mistakes, wrong turns and bad love choices, but that never dissuaded her from pressing forward.
She never asked “why me,” she just found a way through the struggles every time.
She’s more than just a simple woman, though you may not know that at first glance.
She’s a warrior spirit, with the soul of a dreamer and the heart of a lover…more than anything, she’s been searching for peace and love since the very beginning.
She’s always been that person that loves with all her heart…herself, her people, her life, and perhaps, one day, her “forever person,” when he shows up.
She’s never questioned the timing of life, she’s learned to do the hardest thing of all: Trust. Herself, her heart, life’s timing…all the things that she should have stopped believing in so long ago, but never did.
She’s had her heart broken into a million pieces and she’s always been the one to pick up the pieces and put herself back together again..
Each time better and stronger than before.
She’s a complex person with simple needs and she’s never abandoned her desire to be happy in the things that matter.
She’s more than a survivor, though, some days, she felt like that was all she was doing.
Most importantly, she’s always kept her fire burning and kept her light shining brightly in her eye, always believing in herself throughout it all.
Maybe one day she’ll rest and take some time for herself, but that time isn’t now.
She still has much to do and an entire future full of possibilities, falling in love with being alive every day.
Strong, beautiful and free.
One day, she’ll be in love with herself and her life, finally at peace and content, perhaps, even more…and she can’t wait.